I realize, still at the age of 46, I let my self-esteem ride on how many calories pass my lips. I avoid many foods because I know they're a bad relationship for me, concentrating on the 'healthy' instead. Some days I struggle a bit as I hear the gnawing whispers of food and some days I just glide.
I identify thin with being beautiful and thin with the acceptance from society 'as if' it should matter and thin with being all things good. I hoped my two worlds of 'inner' and 'outer' would mesh once I arrived at thin. For some reason they haven't fully. Maybe I only half believe it myself, thin being so new to me. I've talked to my doctor and was told it takes time. I'm still waiting and I still have time.
GOOD. I feel good when I eat less. I feel good when I push myself just a bit harder with exercise. I feel good when I don't hear the whispers. I feel good when I see that little number on the scale tip even lower. I feel good when my smallest jeans are loose. I feel good when I'm complimented on my appearance, still half believing it myself. I feel good when someone says I'm their hero. What does this say about a person really? What does this say about me.
Guess, I'm still feeling the quirkiness and growing pangs of it all.
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